


The Five Times Ryan Tried to Kiss Brendon (and the One Time it Worked Out)

by servecobwebheadaches



Category: Panic! at the Disco
Genre: Fluff, Happy Ending, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, fever era
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-24
Updated: 2015-12-24
Packaged: 2018-05-08 21:39:18
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,131
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5514272
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/servecobwebheadaches/pseuds/servecobwebheadaches
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Ryan's finding it a bit tough to get the moment just right for him and Brendon to share their first kiss.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Five Times Ryan Tried to Kiss Brendon (and the One Time it Worked Out)

**Author's Note:**

> This has nothing to do with Christmas. Fluffy and requested on tumblr by unofficialpatd.

Ryan knew that Brendon liked him. Brendon would date him if Ryan asked, but Ryan did not want to be the one to ask Brendon to be his boyfriend. Ryan definitely didn't have it in him to stutter out the words. But they were more than just friends, for sure, everyone knew it. Ryan had been friends with Spencer for much longer than Brendon, and Spencer didn't tell him he loved him with a kiss to the temple when they woke up every morning. Ryan wasn't complaining—he cherished the affection Brendon gave him—but he craved more. Brendon was always so casual, so confident with physical contact, but Ryan always felt unsure of himself whenever he reached for Brendon's hand first, or when he simply put an arm around Brendon for a picture.

And now he couldn't stop thinking about, trying to plan, how to kiss Brendon himself.

Night after night, he stood onstage while Brendon leaned in for a "perfect, passionate kiss," and turned his head for him to kiss his cheek. He considered simply moving to catch his lips on Brendon's instead one night, but it was too risky. Ryan did Brendon's makeup, and helped to take it off, removing the last remnants of eyeliner from his skin, with their faces inches apart. Ryan's stomach dropped whenever he thought he could lean in . . .

The opportunity was clear, and Ryan was ready to do it, one night on the bus. Everyone was going to bed, but Ryan was leaning against the counter in the bus's mini-kitchen, reading a book. Brendon came out from the bunk area, looking for him. 

"Ryan?" Brendon called quietly.

"Hey," Ryan replied, setting his book down on the counter beside him.

"I'm going to bed, just wanted to say goodnight."

"Okay, B. I'll head back in a minute."

Brendon stepped closer, unnecessarily close to Ryan, and picked up the book off the counter. "What're you reading?" He asked.

Ryan suddenly couldn't remember the name of his book, while he was staring at Brendon's full lips. "Nothing much," Ryan muttered.

Brendon read the back of the book, nodding like he was genuinely interested. "I don't know where you get time to read, or even find books—"

"Brendon," Ryan cut off, tentatively reaching out, fingertips and palm brushing Brendon's shoulder. Brendon looked at him with slightly raised eyebrows, expectant. Ryan licked his lips and attempted a smile.

The moment broke with a loud striking of lightning and thunder outside, which severely startled Brendon out of the look Ryan was giving him. He jumped, managing to trip himself up over Ryan's ankles and skin the heels of his hands on the counter. Ryan caught him, with an arm around his waist. "Oh, fuck," Brendon said, allowing Ryan to help straighten him up. Ryan couldn't help but chuckle a bit at the mortified look on Brendon's face.

"You okay?" Ryan said.

"Yeah, yeah, thanks." Brendon examined his bleeding palms.

"Here, rinse 'em out," Ryan said, and moved out of the way for Brendon to use the sink.

Brendon did so, until the bleeding mostly stopped. "You want a band aid?" Ryan offered.

”No, I'm fine."

They both looked at each other in silence for a moment, Brendon swaying back and forth, like he was waiting to see who would walk away first. "Sorry," Ryan said, "for making you trip."

"It's no big deal." Brendon blinked slowly, visibly exhausted. "Well, I'm gonna go to bed now."

Ryan was so compelled to pull him in close and kiss him before they parted, but held himself back. The moment wasn't right. "You do that," Ryan replied. "Sleep well.”

"Yeah, you too." And with that, Brendon was out of the room, leaving Ryan there to huff and get frustrated.

>>>>

Something was off in the air for the next couple days, and it threw Ryan off so much that he wasn’t willing to make any more advances. He couldn’t place what it was, the emotion that was radiating off Brendon, or what it was from. Ryan didn’t know if it was because Brendon knew he had been trying to kiss him, or if it was from something else entirely. Whatever it was, it dampened Brendon’s cheerful, positive mood, and Ryan didn’t like it.

“What’s going on with you?” Ryan asked one morning, after Brendon was just going to head back to the bunks after breakfast.

“What do you mean?” Brendon said back.

“I don’t know, you just seem upset. Did something happen?”

“It’s nothing.” Ryan raised an eyebrow at that answer, and Brendon shook his head. “I’m not upset about anything, why?”

“You’ve been really quiet. Are you sure it’s nothing? You didn’t even get mad when I stole your food earlier.”

“I don’t really care,” Brendon said.

“I know you don’t, but still . . .” Ryan bit his lip and looked at Brendon. Brendon looked tired, like he hadn’t been sleeping well. The skin around his eyes was a pinkish hue from where he kept rubbing it. Ryan was surprised Brendon hadn’t started crawling in his bunk at night, like he did on the last tour, for more warmth and comfort.

“Actually,” Brendon sighed, “can I talk to you?”

“Yeah, of course.”

Brendon sat on the lounge’s couch. “I think I’m getting really homesick,” he confessed, looking up at Ryan.

Ryan sat beside him. “Homesick?”

“I’m tired of constantly moving. I just want to get some sleep, stay still with familiar things. Just more stationary, you know?”

Ryan could only understand to a certain extent. Sure, he was sick of the bus rumbling with movement every night while he slept, and he was sick of the tight space, but the band was his home, it was everything that mattered—he didn’t have much to miss back in Vegas. They hadn’t been back there for a period of time over a week in eight months, and Ryan couldn’t blame Brendon for feeling it.

“You must be exhausted, too,” Ryan said.

“I am. I know we all are, but I haven’t been sleeping much, even when we get the chance, and—“ Ryan could have cut him off with a kiss. It would be for comfort. “—I don’t know what it’s from, I just feel really weird.” Brendon stopped talking, and Ryan was ready to gently put his fingers under Brendon’s chin, to tilt his head up and make their lips meet, but then Brendon had his face buried in Ryan’s chest, the sound of his crying muffled in the fabric.

“Oh. Hey, shh.” Ryan unconfidently put an arm around Brendon’s shoulders. “It’ll be okay, things will go back to normal soon.”

“Thank you,” Brendon sniffled. “Sorry to cry on you like that.”

“It’s okay.”

Brendon wiped his eyes and stood up to get tissues. Ryan let him go, and watched as he missed another chance.

>>>>

After that, Brendon was back to his usual self. He somehow pushed himself on Ryan more than beforehand, nearly constantly touching him. Even onstage, Brendon was sneaking more kisses to the cheek and neck than before. Ryan felt that if he didn’t kiss Brendon soon, Brendon was going to do it himself and all of Ryan’s planning would go to waste.

They were walking into the venue for another show one night when Brendon held out his hand, offering it to Ryan. Ryan took it and swung their interlocked fingers between them. It was seamless, they didn’t say a word to each other about it, and kept walking. Ryan only allowed that to go on for a few seconds before he stopped their movements. Brendon shuffled to a halt and Ryan turned to face him. “Hey,” Ryan whispered.

“Hey,” Brendon replied, with a taken aback smile. The streetlight overhead was an ugly, florescent white, which casted a glow over Brendon and made him look eerily pale, and made his eyes and hair seem jet black.

Ryan could hear his own heartbeat, adrenaline coursing through him, like it was his first kiss ever, and not just with Brendon. He tried to reason with himself that it was only Brendon, it was only Brendon, but he couldn’t do it. “I really do love you,” Ryan said, feeling overwhelmed with it all, but those words were his way out.

Brendon cracked a full smile. “It’s nice to hear you say it first, asshole,” he joked, and squeezed Ryan’s hand. Brendon fidgeted for a moment, then pulled Ryan to walk with him into the venue.

It left it all too obvious as to what Ryan was trying to do, but Brendon wasn’t going to make it anymore easier for him, and let Ryan go the whole show with having to deal with Brendon’s knowing smirks and kisses.

>>>>

After the show, they all showered at the venue and went back to the bus, no partying or fan meets. The four in the band all went to their separate bunks, Brendon hugging Ryan tightly to say goodnight, Ryan found that he couldn’t sleep, over thinking the way he missed yet another opportunity to kiss Brendon. He uncomfortably tossed and turned for a few moments before he got out of bed and walked in the lounge. He had hopes of being able to watch a movie until he fell asleep, or read until he felt too tired. Those plans disappeared when he was met with another awake person, sprawled out on the couch and watching a movie alone.

“Brendon?” Ryan asked quietly. Brendon sat up on his elbows to find where Ryan’s voice was coming from. “What’re you doing up?”

“I couldn’t sleep,” Brendon said.

“Me too,” Ryan said.

“Wanna come join me?” Brendon asked.

“Yeah, sure.”

Brendon sat up to share the space with Ryan, who sat close to Brendon anyway, because he knew Brendon wouldn’t approve of much distance between them. Brendon rested his head on Ryan’s shoulder, curling up into his side. “I didn’t say, ‘I love you too,’ earlier, so I wanted to tell you that I do love you, too,” Brendon said.

“Were you really losing sleep over that?”

“Well, yeah, kinda,” Brendon admitted. Ryan chuckled. “Because what if you went to bed and started thinking that I didn’t love you? Then what? I didn’t want you to be sad, ‘cause you love me, or at least that’s what you got all serious about saying to me, and—“

“B, it’s alright. Shh,” Ryan hushed, setting one long finger to Brendon’s lips. Brendon stilled, wide brown eyes looking up into Ryan’s. Ryan moved his hand to slowly cup Brendon’s cheek. Brendon’s eyelids fluttered shut, lips parted. Just as Ryan tipped his head forward for a kiss, finally, the bus drove over a bump, and their heads clashed together, Brendon’s forehead to Ryan’s nose.

Ryan felt his eyes water, and he winced in pain, pulling away from Brendon. He covered his nose with his hand, feeling blood running out. Brendon looked up, a hand to his own forehead where he hit it. Ryan coughed and got up, Brendon trailing close behind. “Shit, are you bleeding?” Brendon asked.

“Yeah, I think so,” Ryan said.

Brendon retrieved some paper towels for Ryan to hold to his face, until the bleeding stopped. It was the kind of pain that made his temples throb, and he blinked back the tears in his eyes. “How's your head?” Ryan asked Brendon.

Brendon moved his hand away to reveal a red mark in the middle of his forehead. “It's not too bad.” He started giggling, looking at Ryan trying to stop his bloody nose, and attempted to stifle his laughter from getting too loud.

“What?” Ryan questioned.

“Nothing, just, of course this would happen to us in that moment.”

Ryan shook his head in disbelief. “I'm sorry.”

“Could've been a worse time,” Brendon said, raising his eyebrows suggestively.

Ryan smiled. “Sure, B.”

The bleeding eventually stopped, and Ryan dabbed the last of it off his face. He followed Brendon back to the couch, where Brendon laid down but still left enough room for Ryan to lay next to him. Ryan wrapped his arms around Brendon's waist, loosely holding Brendon close to him. Brendon hummed contently, and the simple noise made Ryan's heart melt. “I think I could maybe fall asleep like this,” Brendon mused.

“Yeah, you need to.”

Ryan brought one hand up to lightly touch Brendon's neck, and Brendon turned his head to look at him.

Finally, after days upon days, Ryan swallowed his nerves and kissed Brendon's waiting lips. Brendon kissed back, and Ryan never wanted to pull away. Fortunately, Brendon remained in Ryan's arms when they did part lips, and Brendon was beaming through his drowsiness at Ryan. “Was that close enough to your perfect moment, Ryan?” Brendon teased.

“Perfect,” Ryan said, and put his lips to Brendon's once more.


End file.
